13 January 2017.
Hi! How are you?
You.
Yes, you.
You whom I made this blog for.
Somewhere in the link you should be able to see "mandm".
Confusing I know but it's just our initials - M and M - in small letters.
We broke up today. Whatever "we are over" means.
Somehow neither of us truly knows what it means.
Maybe because we had no label.
Had no set boundary.
We were friends yet not quite just friends.
We were lovers yet not quite lovers, too.
For all the reasons we both know and can't tell the world.
I saw it coming.
I watched us slowly, unknowingly drift apart.
Millimeter by millimetre. Inch by inch.
I think by the time we noticed we've drifted a metre apart.
It was already too wide a gap.
We tried.
Oh, we tried so hard.
So very hard.
We gave our best shot. Guess our best wasn't good enough.
A question kept popping up on my mind today.
"Where did it go wrong? Where did I go wrong? Where did we go wrong?"
I searched for an answer.
I found none initially.
And then it dawned on me.
TIME.
Time is the greatest thief of all.
Time has always been our enemy.
The time you and I came to being.
The time we met.
The time we started loving.
The time we started.
It was all too late.
I am sorry.
Truly sorry for all the times I demanded time from you.
Time I knew you couldn't spare but demanded anyway.
I am sorry for all the times I wasted your time.
Times when I sent nothing but a text bubble, a full stop, "meh" - you HATED this at first but grown to love it, some random emoji, and the worst of all...
When I sent nothing but a 👍.
We had all the time we could have.
We had a year.
1 year, 2 months, 10 days to be exact.
We had all that.
But I guess we ran out of time.
Time for each other.
We ran out of time for the things that matter.
We spent so many mornings and evenings arguing.
We spent too little appreciating each other.
Now I could do nothing but wonder how we would be...
If we spent our time the other way around.
Would I be writing this?
You know my story.
You know my hurts from the past.
You know my struggles.
You know my passions.
You know my fears.
YOU KNOW ME.
I know you will still be there for me.
You say so.
But even if you don't I know you will be.
You will because you are a great person.
So great a person you were too good for me at times.
But I also warned you.
The night after the cultural talk thing we went to and where you fell asleep?
Do you remember that night?
The night we drove past my drive way so we could talk in the dark.
I told you, "If you drift away I won't pull you back."
You said you won't ever drift away.
And I added, "If I drift away please pull me back because I won't do it myself."
My voice broke then. You pulled me close to you and said,
"Don't cry, little one."
I don't know what lies beyond.
I've been hurt in the past
I've moved on from all those hurt so I know I would move on from this too.
One thing, though.
When I had moved on then I HAD MOVED ON.
Rarely do I ever do the things I used to.
So, please, do not get upset with me if I would no longer be the sweet girl that I was once to you.
Forgive me if I would no longer be the M who told you everything.
Everything from the smallest, annoying thing to the biggest problem a young adult could ever have.
Be patient with me if I do not reply as fast as I used to.
And most of all, please be careful with me.
Be careful with your words.
You would know, of all people, that I do NOT forget stuff said at me and about me.
I don't belong to you.
I won't ever belong to you.
But I'm happy that for a time I did belong to you even if only unofficially.
Not only happy, thankful too.
I will miss you. I have been missing you. I miss you now.
I will miss all your crazy ideas.How did you even come up with such ridiculous ideas like running away?
I will miss our very late night conversations.
I will miss how we complained about the same things.
I will miss how you would get so jealous of others.
I will miss how you would just get "grumpy" because you are insecure about something and I would tease you about how cute you are.
I will miss how I would annoy and make you grumpy just because I feel like it and well, because you are really cute.
I will miss pranking you.
I will miss cleaning your nose (blackheads - ew!) and telling you to breathe through your mouth as if you were a little kid.
I will miss how I would get so upset if you didn't do something I wanted you to do like get in the river.
I will miss stuffing your mouth with food like hot chips which grew in number exponentially after each mouthful.
I will miss everything.
I WILL MISS YOU.
But above all,
THANK YOU.
Thank you for being there when I needed you most.
Thank you for making me happy.
Thank you for helping me achieve my 2016 goals. You do know I could not have done it if it weren't for you, right?
Thank you for celebrating with me.
Thank you for spoiling me.
Thank you for writing me poems.
Thank you for drawing me pictures - yes, the "I love you" inside a heart you drew is still my wallpaper.
Thank you for giving me more than I ever deserved.
Thank you for giving up your beauty rest time just so you could stay up with me even though you needed to get up early.
Thank you for showing me how to love.
Thank you for making me feel loved.
Thank you for the corny jokes I swore weren't funny but they were - I just didn't want you to know you were good at making me laugh.
Thank you for taking me to the movies.
Thank you for being annoying.
Thank you for letting me pull random facial hair.
Thank you for EVERYTHING!
Thank you for letting me see you.
The real you.
Thank you for the trust.
Thank you for the love.
THANK YOU FOR BEING MY M.
THANK YOU FOR BEING THE NUMBER 1 - you've set the bar too high!
THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU.
As for me,
I will be okay.
I'm tough.
You taught me how to be even tougher!
I know I still have you somehow.
And even though you think I will label you the same as the past people I had, well, I won't.
I won't because you're different.
I won't because you actually proved to me you care even though it had come to this.
I won't because I had seen you put yourself to risk for me.
I will try to stay the M you knew.
Farewell, my M.
Farewell, my first love.
Farewell, mo ghraidh.
Live well.
All the best,
M.
P.S. We just broke a whole company - M&M. How dare we!
M.13.1.17
