24.9.18

I loved all your poems but I never told you you were good with words. 

I never told you because between you and I, I was meant to be the one good with words. 

I never told you how much it hurts knowing I wasn’t your first love.

I never told you how at times I wish you’d put me first.

I never told you such wish because I know it’s absurd.

But perhaps I never told you because I was afraid I’d get something back that asks why should I be put first, or implies that I will never be put first.

I never told you that sometimes when I get so excited about something you’re the first one I want to tell... but I don’t tell you because I’m scared it doesn’t sound exciting to you as I know your life is full of adventures with family and friends. 

I never told you that everyday I wake up my heart aches that it’s another day without you. 

I never told you I even get jealous of the stinky boys who get to see you everyday. 

I never told you the reason I created another tumblr profile is so I can cry my heart out over you without you ever finding out.

I never told you how when I’m so down I want to take my life I wonder if you’d still feel the way you told me you would feel.

I never told you how tiring it is loving someone so immensely not knowing if that person feels the same way... not knowing if such love is reciprocated. 

I never told you how much I hated myself at one point because I could not stop loving you...

I never told you that to get to where I am now, the less Drumstick-dependent Walnut, I had to kill a part of myself slowly. 

Yes, I know you call that moving on but to me it is something else.

Moving on from you is slowly killing the part of me that loves people because it was you who made me realise I can love people truly. Why love when I only get hurt in the end?

I know you mean well and I know you’re right. I know I should move on. Even if that meant losing my ability to care and love for others. 

Don't be sad because it's over. Smile because it happened.

13 January 2017.

Hi! How are you?
You.
Yes, you.
You whom I made this blog for.
Somewhere in the link you should be able to see "mandm".
Confusing I know but it's just our initials - M and M - in small letters.

We broke up today. Whatever "we are over" means.
Somehow neither of us truly knows what it means.
Maybe because we had no label.
Had no set boundary.
We were friends yet not quite just friends.
We were lovers yet not quite lovers, too. 
For all the reasons we both know and can't tell the world.

I saw it coming.
I watched us slowly, unknowingly drift apart.
Millimeter by millimetre. Inch by inch.
I think by the time we noticed we've drifted a metre apart.
It was already too wide a gap.

We tried.
Oh, we tried so hard.
So very hard.
We gave our best shot. Guess our best wasn't good enough.

A question kept popping up on my mind today.
"Where did it go wrong? Where did I go wrong? Where did we go wrong?"
I searched for an answer.
I found none initially.
And then it dawned on me. 

TIME. 
Time is the greatest thief of all. 
Time has always been our enemy. 
The time you and I came to being.
The time we met.
The time we started loving.
The time we started.
It was all too late.

I am sorry.
Truly sorry for all the times I demanded time from you.
Time I knew you couldn't spare but demanded anyway.
I am sorry for all the times I wasted your time.
Times when I sent nothing but a text bubble, a full stop, "meh" - you HATED this at first but grown to love it, some random emoji, and the worst of all...
When I sent nothing but a 👍.

We had all the time we could have.
We had a year.
1 year, 2 months, 10 days to be exact.
We had all that.
But I guess we ran out of time.
Time for each other.

We ran out of time for the things that matter.
We spent so many mornings and evenings arguing.
We spent too little appreciating each other.
Now I could do nothing but wonder how we would be...
If we spent our time the other way around.

Would I be writing this?

You know my story.
You know my hurts from the past.
You know my struggles.
You know my passions.
You know my fears.
YOU KNOW ME.

I know you will still be there for me.
You say so.
But even if you don't I know you will be.
You will because you are a great person.
So great a person you were too good for me at times.

But I also warned you.
The night after the cultural talk thing we went to and where you fell asleep?
Do you remember that night?
The night we drove past my drive way so we could talk in the dark.
I told you, "If you drift away I won't pull you back."
You said you won't ever drift away.
And I added, "If I drift away please pull me back because I won't do it myself."
My voice broke then. You pulled me close to you and said,
"Don't cry, little one."

I don't know what lies beyond.
I've been hurt in the past
I've moved on from all those hurt so I know I would move on from this too.
One thing, though.
When I had moved on then I HAD MOVED ON.
Rarely do I ever do the things I used to.

So, please, do not get upset with me if I would no longer be the sweet girl that I was once to you.
Forgive me if I would no longer be the M who told you everything.
Everything from the smallest, annoying thing to the biggest problem a young adult could ever have.
Be patient with me if I do not reply as fast as I used to.
And most of all, please be careful with me.
Be careful with your words.
You would know, of all people, that I do NOT forget stuff said at me and about me.

I don't belong to you.
I won't ever belong to you.
But I'm happy that for a time I did belong to you even if only unofficially.
Not only happy, thankful too.

I will miss you. I have been missing you. I miss you now.
I will miss all your crazy ideas.How did you even come up with such ridiculous ideas like running away?
I will miss our very late night conversations.
I will miss how we complained about the same things.
I will miss how you would get so jealous of others.
I will miss how you would just get "grumpy" because you are insecure about something and I would tease you about how cute you are.
I will miss how I would annoy and make you grumpy just because I feel like it and well, because you are really cute.
I will miss pranking you.
I will miss cleaning your nose (blackheads - ew!) and telling you to breathe through your mouth as if you were a little kid.
I will miss how I would get so upset if you didn't do something I wanted you to do like get in the river.
I will miss stuffing your mouth with food like hot chips which grew in number exponentially after each mouthful.
I will miss everything.
I WILL MISS YOU.

But above all,

THANK YOU.
Thank you for being there when I needed you most.
Thank you for making me happy.
Thank you for helping me achieve my 2016 goals. You do know I could not have done it if it weren't for you, right?
Thank you for celebrating with me.
Thank you for spoiling me.
Thank you for writing me poems.
Thank you for drawing me pictures - yes, the "I love you" inside a heart you drew is still my wallpaper.
Thank you for giving me more than I ever deserved.
Thank you for giving up your beauty rest time just so you could stay up with me even though you needed to get up early.
Thank you for showing me how to love.
Thank you for making me feel loved.
Thank you for the corny jokes I swore weren't funny but they were - I just didn't want you to know you were good at making me laugh.
Thank you for taking me to the movies.
Thank you for being annoying.
Thank you for letting me pull random facial hair.
Thank you for EVERYTHING!
Thank you for letting me see you.
The real you.
Thank you for the trust.
Thank you for the love.
THANK YOU FOR BEING MY M.
THANK YOU FOR BEING THE NUMBER 1 - you've set the bar too high!
THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU.

As for me,
I will be okay.
I'm tough.
You taught me how to be even tougher!
I know I still have you somehow.
And even though you think I will label you the same as the past people I had, well, I won't.
I won't because you're different.
I won't because you actually proved to me you care even though it had come to this.
I won't because I had seen you put yourself to risk for me.
I will try to stay the M you knew.

Farewell, my M.
Farewell, my first love.
Farewell, mo ghraidh.
Live well. 

All the best,

M.

P.S. We just broke a whole company - M&M. How dare we!


M.13.1.17

M&M's Weekend

OUR WEEKEND.

Our Saturday.

Our 26th of November 2016.

Our post one year anniversary celebration.

Our day.

It was fun.

It was great.

It was amazing.

It was perfect.

YOU made it perfect.

I loved the car ride.

I loved holding your hand.

I loved laying my head on your lap.

I loved your presence.

I loved your touch,

so warm

so delicate

so lovely.

I loved your kisses,

so soft

so loving

so special.

I loved your skin against mine.

I loved your itchy chest hair against mine.

I loved your face so close to mine.

So close I swear we could have easily fused.

I loved hearing your heartbeat.

I loved the pleasure we gave each other.

I loved snuggling.

I LOVED OUR DAY. 

I wish I could freeze time.

Stop it so today would never end.

But I can't. You can't.

But know this...

The 26th of November will always be a day I will keep visiting in my memory

The 26th of November will always be a day I will treasure in my heart

The 26th of November will always be that perfect day...

The perfect day made even more perfect by the perfectly imperfect you.

My perfectly imperfect person.

My love.

M.26.11.16

Check the Label!

Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Nah, just friends... or are we???

CHECK THE LABEL. 

Once upon a time I laughed when I hear people mention this. Check the what?!

Needless to say I was ever so much younger then. What did I know about feelings? What did I know about love? What did I know about relationships? What did I know about labels?

NOTHING. I knew nothing. 

But years later here I am writing this. 

Not a lover. Not a girlfriend. Not even a friend. What am I then?

You call me yours and you mine. 

We text. We talk. We say I love you.

We hug. We hold hands. We kiss.

But still no label.

Will it always be like this?

M. 24.10.16

8.36

8.36

12.18am. 12 November 2016.

I should be asleep. 

And having dreams. Good or bad.

I should be asleep.

But I'm not. Why?

Because I feel I need to let this out.

To put my feelings into writing.

It was 8.36pm of the 11th when you rang my phone.

I gladly answered, of course. I had been waiting all day to speak to you, my love. If I may call you that.

But soon after you had to go. You had to go to answer yet another phone call.

You asked permission if you could go. If it was okay.

"Sure, sure?" you said.

I concurred. 

I did not want you to go, you know. But I had to. You needed to. And who was I to say no? 

Had I said no the promise would have been broken. Yes, that promise.

An hour later and you asked if you could call back.

I was no longer interested.

We ended our night conversation with me saying, "Darn whatever we have!"

I was angry at this point. So angry.

I was angry at you. But I was angrier at myself.

How dumb I put myself through all this pain?

How foolish of me to keep holding on?

Looking at what we have it looks more like an affair.

I know that is not it. We both decided there is no need for a label.

But really that's how it looks. 

Love has blinded me.

I hurt and I hurt again, but I keep holding on.

It would be nice to be number one. But I know we can't afford to put me first.

I'm also quite sure I could convince you to leave your commitment.

I know I could get you drunk enough with my love to make you commit the unthinkable.

But I won't. I never will.

Too many hearts would be broken. I don't want to be a life wrecker.

I do know how it feels to have their heart broken.

I've felt that way too many times this year.

I do have more to lose in what we have, you know.

I have nothing - no one - to go back to.

And it hurts. It hurts to think about that.

So why don't I just give up? Let you go? Leave this thing we have?

I have a few answers to such in mind.

But they all come down to this:

I want to prove that everything has not just been a waste. That everything is worth it. 

I know you are not the one for me. We both know that.

I keep holding on because I love you. I love you despite all the hurt.

It hurts to be second. Or third. Or whatever my place is in your life.

I hope someday I will meet someone who will have me as his first.

And I will. You know I will, too. You told me I will.

So I'll just keep waiting. I'll hang on to what we have until my man  arrives.

And when he arrives I hope we don't just throw everything away.

I hope you'll be happy for me as hopefully I will be over the moon with my newfound happiness.

I hope we stay friends.

BEST OF FRIENDS. 

M. 12.11.16

Same Ground

Same Ground

My love,

I have learned that love is beyond

What human can imagine,

My love,

I have learned that love is a word

Just thrown a little bit too much.

If all else fail, would you be there to love me?

When all else fail, would you be brave to see right through me

Whenever this song comes up on my playlist I think about you and I. Our story. How complicated it is. How things should not be how and what they are. But they are what they are because we have made them to be what they are. 

Whenever this song plays its you that comes to my mind. How you taught me how to love. How you taught me not to be afraid of who and what I am. How you taught me that it is completely okay to be me.

That it's okay to not fit in and be different.

That it's okay that I focus on my studies and future rather than go out and socialise like a normal teenager would.

That it's okay to feel.

That it's okay to be upset.

That it's okay to be disappointed.

That it's okay to show weakness.

That it's okay to fail even though you know failure is my biggest fear.

Most of all, you taught me that I'm more than just a five-feet tall of billions and billions of atoms stacked on top of each other. 

You taught me that I am SOMEONE. I am a HUMAN. My LIFE MATTERS. I deserve to get things I deserve. I deserve to be given opportunities. I deserve to be accepted. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to live the life I want. 

I DESERVE TO BE ME.

Things have not been all that smooth for you and I. But there's one thing I know for sure. 

I LOVE YOU.

AND I'M AFRAID TO LOSE YOU.

M. 11.11.16