8.36

8.36

12.18am. 12 November 2016.

I should be asleep. 

And having dreams. Good or bad.

I should be asleep.

But I'm not. Why?

Because I feel I need to let this out.

To put my feelings into writing.

It was 8.36pm of the 11th when you rang my phone.

I gladly answered, of course. I had been waiting all day to speak to you, my love. If I may call you that.

But soon after you had to go. You had to go to answer yet another phone call.

You asked permission if you could go. If it was okay.

"Sure, sure?" you said.

I concurred. 

I did not want you to go, you know. But I had to. You needed to. And who was I to say no? 

Had I said no the promise would have been broken. Yes, that promise.

An hour later and you asked if you could call back.

I was no longer interested.

We ended our night conversation with me saying, "Darn whatever we have!"

I was angry at this point. So angry.

I was angry at you. But I was angrier at myself.

How dumb I put myself through all this pain?

How foolish of me to keep holding on?

Looking at what we have it looks more like an affair.

I know that is not it. We both decided there is no need for a label.

But really that's how it looks. 

Love has blinded me.

I hurt and I hurt again, but I keep holding on.

It would be nice to be number one. But I know we can't afford to put me first.

I'm also quite sure I could convince you to leave your commitment.

I know I could get you drunk enough with my love to make you commit the unthinkable.

But I won't. I never will.

Too many hearts would be broken. I don't want to be a life wrecker.

I do know how it feels to have their heart broken.

I've felt that way too many times this year.

I do have more to lose in what we have, you know.

I have nothing - no one - to go back to.

And it hurts. It hurts to think about that.

So why don't I just give up? Let you go? Leave this thing we have?

I have a few answers to such in mind.

But they all come down to this:

I want to prove that everything has not just been a waste. That everything is worth it. 

I know you are not the one for me. We both know that.

I keep holding on because I love you. I love you despite all the hurt.

It hurts to be second. Or third. Or whatever my place is in your life.

I hope someday I will meet someone who will have me as his first.

And I will. You know I will, too. You told me I will.

So I'll just keep waiting. I'll hang on to what we have until my man  arrives.

And when he arrives I hope we don't just throw everything away.

I hope you'll be happy for me as hopefully I will be over the moon with my newfound happiness.

I hope we stay friends.

BEST OF FRIENDS. 

M. 12.11.16