M&M's Weekend

OUR WEEKEND.

Our Saturday.

Our 26th of November 2016.

Our post one year anniversary celebration.

Our day.

It was fun.

It was great.

It was amazing.

It was perfect.

YOU made it perfect.

I loved the car ride.

I loved holding your hand.

I loved laying my head on your lap.

I loved your presence.

I loved your touch,

so warm

so delicate

so lovely.

I loved your kisses,

so soft

so loving

so special.

I loved your skin against mine.

I loved your itchy chest hair against mine.

I loved your face so close to mine.

So close I swear we could have easily fused.

I loved hearing your heartbeat.

I loved the pleasure we gave each other.

I loved snuggling.

I LOVED OUR DAY. 

I wish I could freeze time.

Stop it so today would never end.

But I can't. You can't.

But know this...

The 26th of November will always be a day I will keep visiting in my memory

The 26th of November will always be a day I will treasure in my heart

The 26th of November will always be that perfect day...

The perfect day made even more perfect by the perfectly imperfect you.

My perfectly imperfect person.

My love.

M.26.11.16

Check the Label!

Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Nah, just friends... or are we???

CHECK THE LABEL. 

Once upon a time I laughed when I hear people mention this. Check the what?!

Needless to say I was ever so much younger then. What did I know about feelings? What did I know about love? What did I know about relationships? What did I know about labels?

NOTHING. I knew nothing. 

But years later here I am writing this. 

Not a lover. Not a girlfriend. Not even a friend. What am I then?

You call me yours and you mine. 

We text. We talk. We say I love you.

We hug. We hold hands. We kiss.

But still no label.

Will it always be like this?

M. 24.10.16

8.36

8.36

12.18am. 12 November 2016.

I should be asleep. 

And having dreams. Good or bad.

I should be asleep.

But I'm not. Why?

Because I feel I need to let this out.

To put my feelings into writing.

It was 8.36pm of the 11th when you rang my phone.

I gladly answered, of course. I had been waiting all day to speak to you, my love. If I may call you that.

But soon after you had to go. You had to go to answer yet another phone call.

You asked permission if you could go. If it was okay.

"Sure, sure?" you said.

I concurred. 

I did not want you to go, you know. But I had to. You needed to. And who was I to say no? 

Had I said no the promise would have been broken. Yes, that promise.

An hour later and you asked if you could call back.

I was no longer interested.

We ended our night conversation with me saying, "Darn whatever we have!"

I was angry at this point. So angry.

I was angry at you. But I was angrier at myself.

How dumb I put myself through all this pain?

How foolish of me to keep holding on?

Looking at what we have it looks more like an affair.

I know that is not it. We both decided there is no need for a label.

But really that's how it looks. 

Love has blinded me.

I hurt and I hurt again, but I keep holding on.

It would be nice to be number one. But I know we can't afford to put me first.

I'm also quite sure I could convince you to leave your commitment.

I know I could get you drunk enough with my love to make you commit the unthinkable.

But I won't. I never will.

Too many hearts would be broken. I don't want to be a life wrecker.

I do know how it feels to have their heart broken.

I've felt that way too many times this year.

I do have more to lose in what we have, you know.

I have nothing - no one - to go back to.

And it hurts. It hurts to think about that.

So why don't I just give up? Let you go? Leave this thing we have?

I have a few answers to such in mind.

But they all come down to this:

I want to prove that everything has not just been a waste. That everything is worth it. 

I know you are not the one for me. We both know that.

I keep holding on because I love you. I love you despite all the hurt.

It hurts to be second. Or third. Or whatever my place is in your life.

I hope someday I will meet someone who will have me as his first.

And I will. You know I will, too. You told me I will.

So I'll just keep waiting. I'll hang on to what we have until my man  arrives.

And when he arrives I hope we don't just throw everything away.

I hope you'll be happy for me as hopefully I will be over the moon with my newfound happiness.

I hope we stay friends.

BEST OF FRIENDS. 

M. 12.11.16

Same Ground

Same Ground

My love,

I have learned that love is beyond

What human can imagine,

My love,

I have learned that love is a word

Just thrown a little bit too much.

If all else fail, would you be there to love me?

When all else fail, would you be brave to see right through me

Whenever this song comes up on my playlist I think about you and I. Our story. How complicated it is. How things should not be how and what they are. But they are what they are because we have made them to be what they are. 

Whenever this song plays its you that comes to my mind. How you taught me how to love. How you taught me not to be afraid of who and what I am. How you taught me that it is completely okay to be me.

That it's okay to not fit in and be different.

That it's okay that I focus on my studies and future rather than go out and socialise like a normal teenager would.

That it's okay to feel.

That it's okay to be upset.

That it's okay to be disappointed.

That it's okay to show weakness.

That it's okay to fail even though you know failure is my biggest fear.

Most of all, you taught me that I'm more than just a five-feet tall of billions and billions of atoms stacked on top of each other. 

You taught me that I am SOMEONE. I am a HUMAN. My LIFE MATTERS. I deserve to get things I deserve. I deserve to be given opportunities. I deserve to be accepted. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to live the life I want. 

I DESERVE TO BE ME.

Things have not been all that smooth for you and I. But there's one thing I know for sure. 

I LOVE YOU.

AND I'M AFRAID TO LOSE YOU.

M. 11.11.16